I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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