Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
