first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
