whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
