When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
