I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
