The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
