We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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