he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
