So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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