Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
