hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
