Duck Duck Cougar?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize