I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
