Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
