Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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