The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
