All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
