after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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