Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
