I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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