dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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