Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
there is glitter all over my balls
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
