i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
