nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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