Please, let me fuck your mom
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
