Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
