Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize