when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
is wine microwaveable?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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