woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
