I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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