I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize