I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
