..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize