Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
