OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
