Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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