textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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