Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
