Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
