I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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