he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
