The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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