i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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