Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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