Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
