He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
