Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
