based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
