Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
