I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
