So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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