so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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