Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
