The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
