tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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