I hate all girls vehemently.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
