Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
