I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
