Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
