I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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